Alas, my first blog entry. I’ll be leaving my rather monotonous town on Tuesday for the ripe loudness of Glasgow, Scotland. I’m usually used to the sameness of my summer, with its family ‘fun’ time and staying home to scroll through aesthetic reblogs. On Tuesday, however, I’ll be leaving that: my boisterous family, my new cat, my friends, and my campus in search for something different abroad. I wasn’t nervous really, not for the summer. Too much to do. Too much time spent bickering with my brother or gushing with my girlfriend via Skype. As the depart date approaches I’m getting a bit more anxious, as any big trip would make someone be.
Now whenever someone asks me if I’m getting ‘jitters’ yet I just want to shout YES for God’s sakes. But maybe it’s because I’m just an anxious person in general. All I know is I’m definitely gonna be sleeping that whole plane trip. Speaking of which, this will be my first time on an airplane by myself; in fact, it’s my first time leaving the U.S.
When I was little I always pictured myself somewhere rainy, in the bustle of a city, being able to learn and grow, and grow some more. Now, my anxiety is immersed with a glowing sort of lightness. Like I’m finally able to reach some distant dream that was tucked away somewhere close to my childhood. My child self would never believe how far I’ve come, how long it took me to accept myself and envision a future where I’m not only going to be in an unknown place, but that I’ll be doing it with full confidence in my identity as a gay person. Imagine that, little me.
I planned to come out to my mom this summer, but as the days wane, I’m not so sure. There’s always tomorrow. Tonight. The next day. Something tells me she knows. Another part of me wants to keep this to myself, to store it safe so I won’t be even more vulnerable while I venture to a far off land. At least I know that once I am abroad, I can experience life independently and not have to worry. I am curious about what classes I was able to get, as I’m taking English Literature courses to help with one of my majors for college. Whatever this experience brings, I’ll knows that I will grow from it. Academically and personally. So maybe it’s less ‘jitters’ and more me realizing I’m going to change after I board that plane.
In any case, I’m excited. That’s what I’ll call it. Excited. Because even if I might be the sort of person who frets and fusses, I know that this is a chance of a lifetime, at least for me and my family. Excited that I’ve packed my things up. Excited that I can be myself. Excited for studies. Excited for the newness of a city I could grow into. Excited that I won’t have to hide.