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Honesty Hour: 2am Ramblings

In exactly one week, I will be back in the United States.

…and my heart is breaking.

I can’t think about this now; I have finals to content with. Essays due in. Welsh exams to revise for.

But it keeps ghosting back into my thoughts.

I Skyped my family tonight. My grandmother is so glad that I am coming home. I wanted to enthuse with her, but instead I just sat, paralyzed at the thought. Not of going home, really; I love my family. Home is home and it always will be, especially at the holidays.

But after that? What will I do then? Who will I be? I don’t want to go back to being the person I was before I came here. But how can I be the person I am here without being here? Without my Wales? My Cardiff? Fy nosbarth Gymraeg?  I have never in my college career been so happy as I am right now, as I have been these last weeks. I don’t dislike my school at home; it is a fine institution. But there was always something that never fully clicked. Something has always been missing. I’ve never felt totally at ease, totally comfortable; there’s always been something niggling at me, a feeling of waiting for something to happen, to find something…just waiting…

I didn’t know this would hurt so much at the end.

“Y drafferth efo breuddwyd, ydy bod chi’n gorfod deffo”
– Pobol y Cwm

“The trouble with dreams is that you have to wake up.”

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One Response to “Honesty Hour: 2am Ramblings”

  1. Anjelais Anjelais (Anjie) Says:

    Ugh, I totally understand your pain!

    For me, it didn’t get any better the closer the departure day (today, actually) got. The idea of leaving still practically breaks my heart. But hopefully, with your two weeks that remain, you will start to get excited about the prospect of returning home. And while I can’t say this with proof as I haven’t quite made it back to the States, I have a feeling that neither of us are going to lose what we have learned nor who we have become in our semesters abroad.

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