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Honesty Hour: 2am Ramblings

Time December 12th, 2011 in College Study Abroad | 1 Comment by

In exactly one week, I will be back in the United States.

…and my heart is breaking.

I can’t think about this now; I have finals to content with. Essays due in. Welsh exams to revise for.

But it keeps ghosting back into my thoughts.

I Skyped my family tonight. My grandmother is so glad that I am coming home. I wanted to enthuse with her, but instead I just sat, paralyzed at the thought. Not of going home, really; I love my family. Home is home and it always will be, especially at the holidays.

But after that? What will I do then? Who will I be? I don’t want to go back to being the person I was before I came here. But how can I be the person I am here without being here? Without my Wales? My Cardiff? Fy nosbarth Gymraeg?  I have never in my college career been so happy as I am right now, as I have been these last weeks. I don’t dislike my school at home; it is a fine institution. But there was always something that never fully clicked. Something has always been missing. I’ve never felt totally at ease, totally comfortable; there’s always been something niggling at me, a feeling of waiting for something to happen, to find something…just waiting…

I didn’t know this would hurt so much at the end.

“Y drafferth efo breuddwyd, ydy bod chi’n gorfod deffo”
– Pobol y Cwm

“The trouble with dreams is that you have to wake up.”